At the library

"Are those your children", the librarian asked, as I queued to get our books signed out. I turned briefly, in the hope there was someone else behind me with worse behaved children than mine. No one. I contemplated complete denial, but short of abandoning them, and the books, this wasn't going to fly. "Yes, they're mine"

"Well you know there's no running in the library"

Actually, no, there's no specific signs and you have wide carpeted slopes which are completely irresistible to young children, and we have been in here lots of times, and not been told off before. But yes, of course, it's a library, not a playground.

"Sorry", I said

"Could you please ask them to stop"

I envisaged myself chasing children down a slope, trying to look like I was in control, eventually grabbing one or other so they had to stop, explaining the situation, being ignored, causing a tantrum, or possibly two tantrums, and I took the easy option. May as well admit defeat up front, as everyone was watching now.

"I'm sorry", I said, "but it would be easier if you just signed my books out and we'll leave immediately, otherwise I'm likely to have tantrums and screaming children, and I think that's worse, don't you?". I smiled sweetly (desperately).

Luckily at this point another librarian spontaneously told the children not to run, and the unknown potential power of a stranger turned them into obedient creatures for a moment.

"That'll be $5.60 please" the first librarian said. (They only charge 20 cents per day in late fees)

"Sorry", I said, again "we don't get here very often, for obvious reasons..."

As we left, Michael requested a carry. I gave him two options; the pushchair or walking options, and he chose the laying down on the floor option instead. I walked up the slope with Holly and just out of his view, in the hope that the potential loss of mummy would return the power to his legs, but no, he knows I'll never really leave him. It took more quiet direction from the librarian and he walked obediently up the slope. Oh, to have such control over my children....

We have had an on again, off again relationship with the library over the last few years. They do a great half hour of stories, music and craft for the children three days a week during school term, and I have taken one or other children over time. I tried taking both, but together they cannot resist the lure of the slopes and steps, and together they cannot remember to keep quiet. I was brought up in a time and place where libraries really were quiet places and I'm well aware that some people are there to study or read in peace, so my instinct is to keep the children quiet and still. To a large extent, I fail, and I therefore find our library sessions rather stressful.

Having said that, on a Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning between 10am and 11am, the library is full of children and it is definitely not quiet. I guess I have assumed the rules are not as strict as they used to be, and I sense a tension between the old school librarians and those who do the kids' sessions which bring chaos to a place of natural order.

Personally, I think that the more exposure children have to books and reading, the more likely they are to develop a love of reading themselves. Letting them explore a library and read some books with mummy until we decide which ones to take home, is great. They just can't be expected to control their natural exuberance for very long.

I came to the conclusion today, that we should have separate children's libraries, with the usual supply of books and videos or DVDs, plus space for reading sessions, and a play area where those who cannot be contained, can be free to climb and run and shout, while mum gets the books. The basic rules can still be there - no running or shouting in the book area, but everyone involved would have enough contact with kids to know that it's hard for them, and us, so the rules are there to teach us how to progress to the big library, and not to make us feel bad.

In the meantime, I have decided that if I return to the library with the kids, it needs to be between 10 and 11 on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, when hopefully my children can blend in with the 20 or so other children who are oblivious to library rules and regulations, and just there to have fun.

Four year old friendships

My 4 1/2 year old has gone back to pre-school this year to a new class, with new children. Her 3 special friends from last year have gone to school, and she's feeling slightly lost. And I feel for her. I think one of my concerns is that she is not going to be naturally outgoing and make friends easily, due to the genes. Neither Dad or I can claim to be party animals. In fact, since having children, we've been pretty anti-social in the precious time we have to ourselves.

At the age of 3 1/2 when she first started pre-school, Holly was still happy to play alongside other children. Parallel play, I think they call this stage. Over the last year, I have seen her develop friendships and learn to play with other children, and it's lovely to see. The downside now is that she's less inclined to play by herself and wants someone to play with her. Thank goodness for a generally obliging younger brother and neighbours with children the same age! She is also much more aware of specific friendships.

Her three special friends last year were boys, all a bit older than her, but relatively quiet. Holly is a trains and cars type of girl, not the fairy princess type, which meant they naturally enjoy the same toys. There's a middle ground developing, which includes playing mums and dads, tying up her hair and a drift towards skirts and dresses, but the favourite games still involve the cars and trains. This has been quite useful for Michael as second child and means our house is a haven of toys for boys.

Last year's play could be joint games, but could just as easily be friends playing alongside each other with different toys. Eight months later, Holly 'needs' a little friend to play with her.

This causes some distress when said little friend doesn't want to play the game Holly has chosen. Tears usually follow and I end up worrying the little friend won't want to come round again.

What I'm forgetting is that they forgive and forget much more easily than we do.

The first time Holly came home and told me her little playmate had said to her 'I'm not your friend', I was devastated for her, and tried to get from her why and what had happened, but she was pretty much matter of fact about it, and the following day there was no sign of any dispute. 'You're not my friend' became a regular with her brother and we've now moved to a more sophisticated level of 'if you don't do this exactly as I want, I won't be your friend'. This applies to me too. 'I'm not your friend mummy'. The power of friendships.

One of the old friends from last year dropped in with a birthday party invitation yesterday, and I swear it took the two children a whole ten minutes before they said a word to each other. And just as they got comfortable again, the friend had to leave.

Last year, as long as one of the three boys were there, pre-school drop of was okay.

Now, faced with a pre-school room full of kids who all look like they're playing happily together, it's daunting for her. I'd be the same. Go to a party now, and I've no idea how to break into a conversation. A glass of red wine seems to do the trick. Something to hold, and help you relax. But I can't really recommend that one to Holly...

I'd love her to grow up with the confidence to walk into that room and feel comfortable striking up a conversation, or joining a group.

Pre-school drop off have become harder again, but I bit the bullet early and enlisted some help from Holly's new teacher, explaining that she might be missing her friends. We are also sharing lifts with a new neighbour who just happens to have a child in the same class as Holly, who is outgoing and confident. She is now Holly's new best friend, and not surprisingly, Holly doesn't kick up a fuss for them at drop off. She reserves that for me!

The teacher also talked to me about making play dates after pre-school and encouraging friendships by catching up in our own time. I encouraged the friendships last year, inviting her friends for play dates and letting her go to the neighbours, and we had plenty of interaction with children her age. So now I too have to start again with a whole new set of mums who all look like they know each other, and you know what ? That's not much easier at 40 something than at 4!

Managing children's behaviour - where to find help

If your toddler or pre-schooler is displaying difficult behaviour, don't dispair, there is help out there. One thing you should understand is that they all do it. It is not just your child who has tantrums, whinges, beats up her brother, ignores your requests, forgets how to share and displays the same disruptive behaviour day afer day despite your efforts to change it.

I guess I didn't realise this to start with. I hadn't experienced the terrible twos, or understood that they morph into the trying threes and the testing, troublesome fours. It's a learning experience and until you have children, even if you work with them, you don't realise what's involved. The children save their worst behaviour for you, not for day care or the babysitter, and it's a constant challenge to deal with it and maintain your cool.

One of the easiests avenues for help is the local library or bookstore. I have two authors I recommend: Christopher Green, who wrote 'Toddler Taming', and Steve Biddulph, who has a series of books including 'The Secret of Happy Children', 'Raising a Happy Child' and 'Raising Boys'.

There are an awful lot of parenting books out there, but these are well written, with a sense of humour and real life examples you can relate to. They contain a lot of good advice, without preaching. They remain light hearted, and make it is easy to pick and choose the things that might help you in your relationship with your children.

Toddler Taming specifically addresses the issues of the toddler years, including sleep problems, toilet training, positive discipline, dealing with tantrums and sibling rivalry. Dr Green also looks at child care options and early learning for your child. The basic message is that in order to be an effective parent, you need to know what to expect and have the self confidence to get through each stage. He brings a sense of humour and common sense to day to day issues and hopes to bring the fun back into childcare.

For UK readers, have a look on Amazon.co.uk



For US readers, find Toddler Taming on Amazon.com



Steve Biddulph has written a series of books on how to raise happy children. I am currently reading 'More Secrets of Happy Children' and keep finding bits I can relate to. One of the big things is balancing 'Soft Love' - the ability to be relaxed, warm and affectionate, with 'Firm Love' - the ability to be kind but firm with children. He has a technique he calls 'stand and think' which is an alternative to 'time out' or a 'naughty spot', which enables the child (and parent) to resolve an issue without hurt, shame or fear. I'm going to try this with my 4 1/2 year old, so I'll let you know how we go!

Biddulph also says that raising little children is easier if you have a goal to aim for. Your aim is to produce, by the age of 5 or so, a civilised child who can go to school, stay at a friend's place, mix with other children and talk to adults in a comfortable way. They will still have lots to learn, but they will have moved to a level of understanding beyond the here and now and all about me world of a toddler.

Peronally, I have about 11 months before the first year of school, and I've got a hell of a lot to do! Luckily some of this comes naturally. Your child wants to be kind, friendly and co-operative, but needs help to learn how.

Persistence and good humour are what are needed from the parents. I have to say I struggle with this sometimes. What we also need is sleep and time out for ourselves in order to find that persistence and good humour.

Biddulph's books are all about communication - what we say and how we communicate, through words and actions, with our children, affects the little people they grow into.

To get a copy of Biddulph's books in the UK, look at Amazon.co.uk


For copies from the US, look on Amazon.com

Or the patience of a mum

I realise today, I don't even have the patience I need for my own children. Specifically, I don't have the patience to deal with 'bad' behaviour. And it happens every day at the moment, say 20 times a day.

The two specific things are rough behaviour and basically just not doing what I ask.

My 4 1/2 year old is very rough with her brother. They play well together and have lots of fun, but it always ends in tears, generally because Holly has been too rough. She hugs him tightly round the neck, she pulls his clothes, she kicks and hits and pokes. She hugs him until it hurts and jumps on top of him. He bit her today, twice, and although he got told off, who can blame him, really?

We wrote some house rules with Holly's help a while ago. They include 'No hitting', 'No kicking', 'No biting', 'No pushing'. She knows them, and will happily remind Mikey of them when required. She is punished if she breaks a rule, through time out, or removal of TV rights or stories, which are two things that get a reaction.

But there doesn't seem to be any learning involved.

Then there's the doing what she's asked to. I ask them to come and sit up for dinner, Holly says no, therefore Michael says no. It's not like they didn't know it was nearly dinner time, or that they don't have to do it every day, but she seems to take a delight in basically just not doing what she's asked to. Maybe it's testing me. Let's see which of mummy's buttons I can press today. Which reaction will I get?

I plump for the, 'well I'm sitting down for dinner, if you want to join us, do', option. Followed by the 'if you don't come to dinner, there will be nothing else to eat for the rest of the day, and that includes treats' option. Michael, I can still persuade to the table. He is copying, not originating the behaviour, so his motives aren't as strong. Not that I really know what the motive is...

We went to the pool shop today, which has a nice toy area the children can play in while I get the water checked and buy the bits and pieces I need. The kids like a trip to the 'Pool Doctor', so we stayed a while, but at some point it was time to leave, and that's where the problems started. Tell me what I'm doing wrong? I gave them a five minute warning, and I know that they don't understand what 5 minutes means, but I then gave them a 4 minute warning, then 3 minute, then 2 minute, then 1 minute, then I told them it was time to go. And Holly said no, so I told her that if she wasn't going to come nicely with me, I would pick her up and carry her out. She didn't come, so I picked her up and carried her under my arm. She kicked and screamed and with one free arm clawed at my face and scratched me. I put her in the car and said no television for the rest of the day.

I'm seriously not sure how else I could have dealt with the situation. And the worst thing is, I feel angry and upset with my child almost every day, and unhappy that this happens.

So what am I going to do? I've decided I need a break occasionally. Specifically from the dinner and bedtime routine. Now all I need to do is find a great babysitter, or persuade dad it's his turn, and I can get an evening off. The sad thing is I've got no idea what I'd do! Time to find a girl friend who needs a similar escape plan....

The Patience of a Saint

Patience and tolerance. Two virtues I used to have. But now, I'm losing them. Having children has eroded my good nature towards other people.

Patience is easy to explain. I have not had enough sleep for five years, so natural reserves of patience are low. I have two children who stress the remaining reserves to their limits, so I'm sorry, but there's not much left for outsiders. Actually, come to think of it, there's not even much left for the other half. (And doesn't he know it!)

You would have thought that having children would help teach you patience. But everyone has their limits. One of the things I find hardest is the total lack of urgency even when it's something they have chosen to do. All day they have been nagging me to go in the pool, so as soon as we're home, I switch on the filter, take off the safety net (highly recommend one of these even if it becomes a bit of a chore to take on and off), scoop out any leaves, bugs (and even bandicoots on one occasion), find the costumes, sun cream, hats, floats, goggles and miscellaneous toys required, and go to get them ready.

'Right, anyone ready for a swim??'
'Just a minute mummy.' 'We'll just finish our game mummy.'

'But I thought you wanted to go for a swim?'

'Oh we do mummy, in a minute mummy'

And I look at the clock, see how long we've got before the whole dinner time and evening routine is due to kick start. Not long.

I briefly consider dumping the idea of a swim. They're playing so nicely. But the consequences will be unbearable, so I persuade them that if we don't go in the pool now, it'll get too cold, too late, too dark, and we'll have to wait until another day.

At last, ready. Or ready to get ready at least. And even then, it's hard work. I really don't want to be chasing children round the room with costumes while they dance and sing 'Nudie Dudie' at the top of their voices. And then there's the sun cream torture. It has to be done. Almost every day, it has to be done, but that doesn't mean they'll make it any easier for mum. So I need tactics. Make it fun, make it a job Holly can help with, with lots of praise for the best sun creamer. Let Michael have a go even if he only ever does his right leg below the knee and half of the floor boards. Or I can just pin them down and slather it on as quick as possible (oops, forgot I supposed to be being patient.) There's something to be said for all in one body suits that cover arms legs and require minimum sun cream...


So, swim suits on, hats on, cream on, goggles on, here we go. Well, nearly. First Holly has to get out all the chairs and line them up by the pool for her toys to watch us. And it's fun. For 20 minutes, then we get cold and come out.

And the whinging starts. I'm cold, I want an ice pop, I need to get dressed, I'm hungry. Wrap them up, sit them down with an ice pop, gather up toys and floats and goggles, pop some chlorine in, put the net back on.

Now let's see if we can have a whinge free shower before dinner...

And that just about takes all today's patience resources. Unless I get a reasonable night's sleep, there will be even less available tomorrow. Beware anyone who tries my patience. I have only enough for the children. I need to keep it for them, otherwise I will not be able to cope. I will disintegrate into a shouting, stomping mummy monster.

Tolerance. Slightly different. I find myself fiercely protective of my children and therefore intolerant of behaviour of others that affects them negatively, and yet I expect tolerance of their behaviour. After all, they are only little. My needs have also changed. In the car park, if I can get a spot close to the shops, I take it greedily. A shorter walk with two in tow amongst the cars, relieves a little stress. So, if anyone takes my spot, I curse (quietly of course). I never used to. C'est ls vie, I'd think, in a previous life, what's a few hundred yards matter? Now it matters.

Yet I expect tolerance. My child might run around like a mad thing, nearly knocking people over, but she's little, she's not doing any real harm. So, she's noisy, she has tantrums in public, she whines, she whinges, she dances, she chases her brother and has no sense of those around her. We went in a baby shop the other day to choose a present, and Holly could not resist looking (closely) at the toys on display. The owner seemed unhappy that she touched things, and I didn't like that. If you own a kids shop, you have to expect kids. Provide some toys they are allowed to play with and maybe you'll sell more.

Combine the two; patience and tolerance, and a lack of both, and even the cat suffers. This creature, who was my baby well before my other babies arrived, now annoys me enormously. He miaows loudly in the middle of the night and will try and bang the door down to get attention. I need my sleep; I feed him, a lot, and eventually resort to shutting him in the laundry. Instead of wanting him on my lap, I want freedom. I've had two little people clinging to me all day, I now need some space. Anyone want a cat, who probably just needs a bit of love and attention?

Mum's been got...again

Do your kids behave beautifully for other people, and become a nightmare with you? Do they get glowing reports from pre-school and school, only to turn into horrors when they come home, making you wonder if the school have got the right child?

This, apparently, is normal. From an early age, your baby will learn to push your buttons, and they will continue to push them for as long as they can.

You are programmed to respond to your baby. Remember those first cries, and how heart wrenching they were? The pin prick in the heel when they are a few days old, which made them wail pitifully, and made you breakdown completely; the first immunisations, where dad had to come along to comfort you, not the baby; their first bump or bang, which you actually felt for them. I can picture being in the supermarket when Holly was little and not being able to stand listening to her wailing one minute more, so I fed her, there and then, in front of the yoghurt section, with cameras looking on. It was either that or abandon the shopping, and you know how hard it is to get shopping done...

As they develop, they learn new tactics and at some point they realise they actually have some control over this. They can scream blue murder, and mum will come rushing, they can pester and pester and they learn which behaviour mum gives in to.

And then the language comes and it adds a whole new dimension to the challenge. They can whinge and whine and complain, and beg and plead and drive you completely insane.

So why do they whinge and whine when they get home? Because they can. Because only here do they feel they can get away with it. No teacher is going to put up with that behaviour. No teacher is programmed to their pain and sadness like mum is.

Hey, let's give them their due as well. They have been on their best behaviour for 6 hours, and now they need to let it out. 6 hours build up of worries and stresses and they turn into little whiners.

So what do we do? Firstly, we have to acknowledge what is happening. They are playing you mum, they have got you sussed and you are being taken for a ride. Not your beautiful child? No? Well, maybe only mine then, but she's definitely got me sussed.

I have to be strong and be firm and be consistent. I must switch off to all whinges, I must only respond to polite requests, I must be objective in my analysis of the breakdowns. Is this for real, is she tired, is she hungry, is she after attention, if I respond, am I setting myself up for a fall?

Today, Monday, we are back to pre-school, and Holly does not want to go. I don't think there's a real reason why. She was perfectly happy last week. She wants some sympathy from mum, she wants a cuddle, she wants mum to stay. Mum got frustrated with her not going to bed nicely last night, so she wants some extra attention.

So when I go to leave, she is literally clinging to me, and I have to request some help from the teacher to free myself. And do I feel good about this? No. I feel cruel, I wonder if she has enough friends here, if the teachers treat her nicely, if I've chosen the right pre-school. But when I take a closer look at Holly, she's enjoying herself. I've been got again.

Being in control

'Time to brush your teeth Holly', 'Time to get in the car Holly', 'Let's go Holly'.

'Just a minute Mummy', 'I'm busy Mummy', 'When I've finished this Mummy'.

Now who does that sound like?? I sometimes think it must be hard getting their heads round why it's ok for mummy to be busy when they want something, but when we want them to do something, it's generally now. Establishing who's in charge in our house is an ongoing process, a battle of wills, and you can see sometimes that the kids just want to be in control. I can understand that, I want to be in control as well!

I think there are two things that help. They need plenty of warning, and we need to give some options, so they feel an element of control.

The other half has suggested we need to tell the kids what we're doing sometimes, rather than give them a choice. For example, if you ask Holly if she'd like to go to the beach or watch television, she'd choose the television. Yet if we went to the beach, she would have loads of fun. In this case, we need to guide her to the right choice, or put up with some resistance knowing it'll be alright when we get there.

With some of the little things though, choices are perfect. Do you want the green bowl or the orange bowl for breakfast? Would you like to wear the blue dress or the pink leggings and t-shirt? They then get the chance to make a decision, and for a moment, they are in charge.

Giving too much choice can make life harder though. If I ask Holly to choose what she wants to wear, she's faced with a whole wardrobe of options, and inevitably she'll pick something I wouldn't have chosen.

There've been a couple of times where she's emptied her money box and we've gone to buy a toy. Generally it's narrowed down to a train or a book or something specific, but even then, faced with a whole choice of trains, she struggles to make a decision, wants them all, and things end up getting fraught.

Giving warnings helps the children maintain some control as well. They have no real concept of time, so just because it's 7:30 and bedtime is always 7:30, doesn't mean they'll drop things on request and hop into bed. A 10 minute warning will help, then 5 minutes, then 1 more minute. Ok, so they don't know what 10 minutes means, but they do know that it means soon. Maybe a more specific approach would work better - one more story, or one more turn each, then we have a bath, go to bed, get in the car... or whatever it might be.

It's at this point that they start practicing their negotiation skills and you have to stand firm if you don't want to go through that negotiation every time.

My sister suggested an approach that works with her boys. If you bet them they can't do something, they'll rise to the challenge. I bet you can't get in that car seat before I get round to your door! I bet you can't get the the bathroom before me!

It didn't work with Holly. Her reaction is 'no I can't'. Girls perhaps, are more tricky.

I have found that counting to 3 is a good tool. 'You have the count of three to get in that bathroom'. Usually with an additional 'or else you won't be getting a story tonight' or some other threat I can follow through with. And somehow just starting to count gets a result.

At least it used to. The last time I used this approach, Holly told me I needed to count to 8....