Being in control

'Time to brush your teeth Holly', 'Time to get in the car Holly', 'Let's go Holly'.

'Just a minute Mummy', 'I'm busy Mummy', 'When I've finished this Mummy'.

Now who does that sound like?? I sometimes think it must be hard getting their heads round why it's ok for mummy to be busy when they want something, but when we want them to do something, it's generally now. Establishing who's in charge in our house is an ongoing process, a battle of wills, and you can see sometimes that the kids just want to be in control. I can understand that, I want to be in control as well!

I think there are two things that help. They need plenty of warning, and we need to give some options, so they feel an element of control.

The other half has suggested we need to tell the kids what we're doing sometimes, rather than give them a choice. For example, if you ask Holly if she'd like to go to the beach or watch television, she'd choose the television. Yet if we went to the beach, she would have loads of fun. In this case, we need to guide her to the right choice, or put up with some resistance knowing it'll be alright when we get there.

With some of the little things though, choices are perfect. Do you want the green bowl or the orange bowl for breakfast? Would you like to wear the blue dress or the pink leggings and t-shirt? They then get the chance to make a decision, and for a moment, they are in charge.

Giving too much choice can make life harder though. If I ask Holly to choose what she wants to wear, she's faced with a whole wardrobe of options, and inevitably she'll pick something I wouldn't have chosen.

There've been a couple of times where she's emptied her money box and we've gone to buy a toy. Generally it's narrowed down to a train or a book or something specific, but even then, faced with a whole choice of trains, she struggles to make a decision, wants them all, and things end up getting fraught.

Giving warnings helps the children maintain some control as well. They have no real concept of time, so just because it's 7:30 and bedtime is always 7:30, doesn't mean they'll drop things on request and hop into bed. A 10 minute warning will help, then 5 minutes, then 1 more minute. Ok, so they don't know what 10 minutes means, but they do know that it means soon. Maybe a more specific approach would work better - one more story, or one more turn each, then we have a bath, go to bed, get in the car... or whatever it might be.

It's at this point that they start practicing their negotiation skills and you have to stand firm if you don't want to go through that negotiation every time.

My sister suggested an approach that works with her boys. If you bet them they can't do something, they'll rise to the challenge. I bet you can't get in that car seat before I get round to your door! I bet you can't get the the bathroom before me!

It didn't work with Holly. Her reaction is 'no I can't'. Girls perhaps, are more tricky.

I have found that counting to 3 is a good tool. 'You have the count of three to get in that bathroom'. Usually with an additional 'or else you won't be getting a story tonight' or some other threat I can follow through with. And somehow just starting to count gets a result.

At least it used to. The last time I used this approach, Holly told me I needed to count to 8....