Four year old friendships

My 4 1/2 year old has gone back to pre-school this year to a new class, with new children. Her 3 special friends from last year have gone to school, and she's feeling slightly lost. And I feel for her. I think one of my concerns is that she is not going to be naturally outgoing and make friends easily, due to the genes. Neither Dad or I can claim to be party animals. In fact, since having children, we've been pretty anti-social in the precious time we have to ourselves.

At the age of 3 1/2 when she first started pre-school, Holly was still happy to play alongside other children. Parallel play, I think they call this stage. Over the last year, I have seen her develop friendships and learn to play with other children, and it's lovely to see. The downside now is that she's less inclined to play by herself and wants someone to play with her. Thank goodness for a generally obliging younger brother and neighbours with children the same age! She is also much more aware of specific friendships.

Her three special friends last year were boys, all a bit older than her, but relatively quiet. Holly is a trains and cars type of girl, not the fairy princess type, which meant they naturally enjoy the same toys. There's a middle ground developing, which includes playing mums and dads, tying up her hair and a drift towards skirts and dresses, but the favourite games still involve the cars and trains. This has been quite useful for Michael as second child and means our house is a haven of toys for boys.

Last year's play could be joint games, but could just as easily be friends playing alongside each other with different toys. Eight months later, Holly 'needs' a little friend to play with her.

This causes some distress when said little friend doesn't want to play the game Holly has chosen. Tears usually follow and I end up worrying the little friend won't want to come round again.

What I'm forgetting is that they forgive and forget much more easily than we do.

The first time Holly came home and told me her little playmate had said to her 'I'm not your friend', I was devastated for her, and tried to get from her why and what had happened, but she was pretty much matter of fact about it, and the following day there was no sign of any dispute. 'You're not my friend' became a regular with her brother and we've now moved to a more sophisticated level of 'if you don't do this exactly as I want, I won't be your friend'. This applies to me too. 'I'm not your friend mummy'. The power of friendships.

One of the old friends from last year dropped in with a birthday party invitation yesterday, and I swear it took the two children a whole ten minutes before they said a word to each other. And just as they got comfortable again, the friend had to leave.

Last year, as long as one of the three boys were there, pre-school drop of was okay.

Now, faced with a pre-school room full of kids who all look like they're playing happily together, it's daunting for her. I'd be the same. Go to a party now, and I've no idea how to break into a conversation. A glass of red wine seems to do the trick. Something to hold, and help you relax. But I can't really recommend that one to Holly...

I'd love her to grow up with the confidence to walk into that room and feel comfortable striking up a conversation, or joining a group.

Pre-school drop off have become harder again, but I bit the bullet early and enlisted some help from Holly's new teacher, explaining that she might be missing her friends. We are also sharing lifts with a new neighbour who just happens to have a child in the same class as Holly, who is outgoing and confident. She is now Holly's new best friend, and not surprisingly, Holly doesn't kick up a fuss for them at drop off. She reserves that for me!

The teacher also talked to me about making play dates after pre-school and encouraging friendships by catching up in our own time. I encouraged the friendships last year, inviting her friends for play dates and letting her go to the neighbours, and we had plenty of interaction with children her age. So now I too have to start again with a whole new set of mums who all look like they know each other, and you know what ? That's not much easier at 40 something than at 4!

Do I need more adult company??

My other half thinks so. He bases this observation on the fact that I had a 20 minute conversation with two Jehovahs witnesses who came to the door on Thursday, and I actually seemed to enjoy it. They came at a good time. We'd just got in from a walk, the baby was asleep and Holly was playing happily, so when someone asked me what I felt about the way mankind was treating the world, and what we should be doing about it, I actually thought about it.

I expressed my views, I asked them theirs and we discussed the issue. They presented their evidence, backed up with a number of quotes from the bible, and I played devil's advocate and asked some tricky, slightly risky questions.

Ok, so I could have phoned a friend, but just because my kids are having a good moment, doesn't mean my friend's are. When was the last time you had a twenty minute, uninterrupted two way adult conversation?? Also Holly has an inbuilt mummy's on the phone monitoring system which switches her into horror mode as soon as she realises I'm talking to someone else, and not her. So, I had my twenty minute adult conversation with the Jehovah's witnesses.

And you know what? I'd love to be as calm and self assured and confident in my beliefs as these two ladies were. But it just isn't going to happen. My logical mind can't quite get it's head around one faith/religion/ denomination being right, and all others having just missed the point somewhere along the way.

I believe in God. I say a little prayer for my two babies before I go to sleep (and I have recently added the other half in 'cause he felt left out). I don't often think much beyond that, mainly because it opens up too many unanswerable questions.

My partner and I have discussed how we would explain death to Holly and Mikey, not because we have had to deal with a berievement, but because we want to be prepared. My Thursday discussion actually gave me an answer I quite like. The Jehovah's witnesses believe that when you die, you return to the earth, to dust. But God retains a memory of you. It's one to think about...

Religion has also come up alongside the school debate. Where should we send Holly to school? Should we look at the Catholic school system, although we are not Catholic? Should we consider a Christian school, or should we go with the state schools? It's a tricky one. I liked the caring environment of our local Catholic school and I would like the children to have the basic ethical and moral education that seems to come in a religious school. We don't take them to church, but perhaps they should be given the education that allows them to make their own informed decision about their religious beliefs as they get older.

Yet at the back of my mind I just feel hypocritical. You see, if I had the conviction of those Jehovah's witnesses, life would be easy!

Back to Thursday. Holly came down and started trying to shut the door on us, then the cat started nosing round the shopping bags left in the pushchair. When they offered to help bring my shopping in, I declined politely and we terminated the conversation. It's one thing having an interesting debate with a couple of commited strangers, it's another letting them into your house. And my guess is they'll be back.

The demise of a Mothers' Group

My Mothers' Group is breaking up. We are no longer one, but many. It has splintered and split, and some are taking it badly.

This breakdown started over a year ago and our babies, who brought us together in the first place, are now 4 1/2.

The latest example is an invitation for New Year's Eve, that went to some, but not all mothers, with a footnote saying how the invitees were those people most important to the host. How do we, the non invited, know? Well, some of the girls aren't quite as loyal to the breakaway group as they might like to think.

And at least one of the non invited is hurt, quite rightly so, as New Year's Eve invitations have been to all, in the past, and she doesn't understand why one person should choose to split a group.

I'm lucky; I can take a step back from this. We moved away 2 years ago, so my catch ups with the group have been limited and, although I'm pretty sure I would not have been included in the special sub group for New Year's Eve, I can tell myself it's my decision. I've moved on.

So is this inenvitable? For the lucky few, Mothers' Group survives the distance. The kids are pictured together in the local paper at the age of 18, next to a photo of them as babies at their first get together. For most of us, let's get real!

Mothers' Groups are a fantastic idea, a great way of meeting other mothers with babies the same age. They provide support and a social outlet for mothers who might otherwise feel a bit isolated. An informal way of getting and giving advice, swapping stories and hopefully making friends. But let's face it, we, the mothers, did not choose each other. We were put together by the midwives from the clinic and it was up to us what happened after the first few weeks. Bravo to us I think, that we have survived this long.

Personally, I have never had any conflict with another mum in our group, but I've never quite felt I've fitted in. Our priorities in life are different. The restaurants they choose to have mothers group dinners at are too expensive, their kids have been on the waiting list for private school since birth, holidays and facials, the latest purchases and fashions are a major part of conversation, and they spend too much on our kids' birthdays. It just isn't me. I can't justify spending over $100 on dinner with mothers' group when I don't even do that with the other half. And spending money on nice clothes is not a priority when you spend half your time on your hands and knees and have a permanent shoulder decoration made up of baby vomit, dribble and whatever we had for lunch.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, you can't expect a Mothers' group to last for ever. People are bound to form friendships within the group. Some take their kids to the same activities and see more of each other. Some of the children end up at the same pre-school, some live round the corner from each other and meet at the park. The kids start kindy, the mums start going back to work and schedules just don't work anymore.

And in reality it's not just the mums. Frankly my kids are less interested in catching up with the mothers group than I am. They don't want to play with kids they haven't seen for 6 months. They'd rather play with each other or the kids next door.

So, it is time to let go. Friendships change over time, especially in these early years. The kids determine who you meet, through pre-school, play groups, swimming lessons, kindy gym, dance or what ever you have in their busy little schedule. If you're lucky you'll find someone you click with and another frienship will begin.