At Home Mums' Blog

Take a light hearted look at the issues faced by mums home with the kids. Read some personal views on the challenges of raising children today, and the pressures mums face. My website - www.athomemums.com - has some more serious and hopefully useful stuff on all these topics. I'd love to get your comments and advice. If anyone out there can help this mum maintain her sanity, it would be much appreciated!

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Thursday 26 February 2009

Four year old friendships

My 4 1/2 year old has gone back to pre-school this year to a new class, with new children. Her 3 special friends from last year have gone to school, and she's feeling slightly lost. And I feel for her. I think one of my concerns is that she is not going to be naturally outgoing and make friends easily, due to the genes. Neither Dad or I can claim to be party animals. In fact, since having children, we've been pretty anti-social in the precious time we have to ourselves.

At the age of 3 1/2 when she first started pre-school, Holly was still happy to play alongside other children. Parallel play, I think they call this stage. Over the last year, I have seen her develop friendships and learn to play with other children, and it's lovely to see. The downside now is that she's less inclined to play by herself and wants someone to play with her. Thank goodness for a generally obliging younger brother and neighbours with children the same age! She is also much more aware of specific friendships.

Her three special friends last year were boys, all a bit older than her, but relatively quiet. Holly is a trains and cars type of girl, not the fairy princess type, which meant they naturally enjoy the same toys. There's a middle ground developing, which includes playing mums and dads, tying up her hair and a drift towards skirts and dresses, but the favourite games still involve the cars and trains. This has been quite useful for Michael as second child and means our house is a haven of toys for boys.

Last year's play could be joint games, but could just as easily be friends playing alongside each other with different toys. Eight months later, Holly 'needs' a little friend to play with her.

This causes some distress when said little friend doesn't want to play the game Holly has chosen. Tears usually follow and I end up worrying the little friend won't want to come round again.

What I'm forgetting is that they forgive and forget much more easily than we do.

The first time Holly came home and told me her little playmate had said to her 'I'm not your friend', I was devastated for her, and tried to get from her why and what had happened, but she was pretty much matter of fact about it, and the following day there was no sign of any dispute. 'You're not my friend' became a regular with her brother and we've now moved to a more sophisticated level of 'if you don't do this exactly as I want, I won't be your friend'. This applies to me too. 'I'm not your friend mummy'. The power of friendships.

One of the old friends from last year dropped in with a birthday party invitation yesterday, and I swear it took the two children a whole ten minutes before they said a word to each other. And just as they got comfortable again, the friend had to leave.

Last year, as long as one of the three boys were there, pre-school drop of was okay.

Now, faced with a pre-school room full of kids who all look like they're playing happily together, it's daunting for her. I'd be the same. Go to a party now, and I've no idea how to break into a conversation. A glass of red wine seems to do the trick. Something to hold, and help you relax. But I can't really recommend that one to Holly...

I'd love her to grow up with the confidence to walk into that room and feel comfortable striking up a conversation, or joining a group.

Pre-school drop off have become harder again, but I bit the bullet early and enlisted some help from Holly's new teacher, explaining that she might be missing her friends. We are also sharing lifts with a new neighbour who just happens to have a child in the same class as Holly, who is outgoing and confident. She is now Holly's new best friend, and not surprisingly, Holly doesn't kick up a fuss for them at drop off. She reserves that for me!

The teacher also talked to me about making play dates after pre-school and encouraging friendships by catching up in our own time. I encouraged the friendships last year, inviting her friends for play dates and letting her go to the neighbours, and we had plenty of interaction with children her age. So now I too have to start again with a whole new set of mums who all look like they know each other, and you know what ? That's not much easier at 40 something than at 4!

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