Baby Thoughts...

My body is betraying me, and since it has a fairly close relationship with my mind, my mind is joining in to. I think it's something to do with not having enough to think about. Not that there aren't a hundred things to do in a day, but most of it, the washing, the cleaning, the playing, the cooking, even the negotiation and the desperate searching for patience, are all fairly routine stuff. The closest my brain gets to a challenge is doing the Sudoku puzzle in the paper while watching the kids in the bath. So, when it comes down to it, I have not much time to do anything, and a lot of time to think. And the thinking at the moment is about babies. (Don't tell Colin) We have decided we are only having two children as we are older parents (Having had my 41st, I am now definitely in my 40s...) and we don't cope with the lack of sleep as we might have done 10 years ago. There are also other factors such as the money required and the logistics of having three verses two, not to mention the strain it would put on our relationship to go through that baby stage again.

I have been fully on board with this since before we had Michael, but since weaning him off the boob, every month, like clockwork, my body reminds me that it is ovulating, and perhaps I should be doing something about it. It never happened like this before children. My periods were regular, but I used ovulation tests to check when I was ovulating, as I could never be a quite sure. Since babies though, I swear that at that same time mid month each month, my body aches for a day or two at just the time I think I'd be ovulating. For the most part I've just thought, how interesting, my body is telling me what's going on, but recently, it's got worse. Now I feel horny at the same time! So not only is my body telling me time is running out, here's the eggs, give it a go, but it's also saying, go on, here's your man, seduce him!

Colin's not going to complain about that, as I have to admit initiation on my part has not been a frequent event in the last four years, but if he knew the background he'd probably run a mile. Lucky for us, he's in charge of contraception.

I try and logic my feelings. We recently gave away all of our baby things and Michael is two and a half, so we've finished the baby stage for ever. I look in baby shops and there are such great things, which I have no excuse to buy any more. Also, I like my kids at the moment. They play well together, Holly can be caring and sweet to Michael and they have lots of fun. He's also at the great stage of language development which can be really cute and funny. So, I guess I'm just looking at them and thinking, they're not that bad, I could have another one of these.

The other thought is that I'm looking for a sense of purpose. I was talking to a friend about money the other day and how it would be easier if we had sacrificed a bit on location and gone for a smaller mortgage, and she pointed out to me that in a few years time I'll be earning again and it'll be easier. And I thought, oh yes, that's probably right, but what will I be doing?? I have no career plan, apart from looking after the kids, so maybe I'm thinking about babies because it prolongs that sense of purpose. Nine months with a specific goal in mind - to have a healthy baby, and then 3 years before they start pre-school where the focus is 100 percent on caring for my children.

But let's think about those nine months. I had relatively easy pregnancies, but even so, the thought of being pregnant again doesn't really appeal. Nine months of aches and worries, heartburn, breathlessness, clothes not fitting and trousers continually falling down, not to mention lack of sleep, the need to pee at least three times a night and the fact my bladder is almost certain never to recover. Actually the only positive I can think of is the boobs. Be nice to have them back for a little while...

So, pregnancy doesn't appeal, the birth certainly isn't a fun part, and the first 14 to 18 months are knackering, which doesn't do anything for my patience, sense of humour or sex drive.

I've done my bit with breast feeding and have no unfulfilled desires there, I have pureed enough food to last a lifetime and we're looking forward to a nappy free house in the foreseeable future. (How much does two and a half years of nappies cost....?)

And then there's the logistics of the whole thing. Who holds the extra hand, who carries the extra child when everyone wants a carry, who reads the third set of stories before bed, where does the third child sit when two knees are already taken?

Don't get me wrong, if I were 10 years younger, my response to this would probably be to start a round of gentle hints and persuasion with Colin. I admire the mums with three, especially those who maintain a sense of calm, but I set 40 as my own personal no go zone for babies, and I think I should stick with it. After all, instead of potentially straining a beautiful relationship and a happy family, my new found sex drive could make things a lot more fun, at least once a month anyway. Perhaps I should take up crosswords as well as Sudoku...