Sleep or sex - Can we have both??

I was just reading an article that said that 56 % of Aussies interviewed would rather have a good night's sleep than sex. And I have to say, right now, I'm with them. It didn't say how many men or women were surveyed, how old they were, whether they had kids, were in a relationship or gagging for it (sorry!), so my suspicions are that the figures might be over stated. But, I have to say, that if you surveyed a group of mums and dads with two or more pre-schoolers, the sleep might win out.

We have been saying for the last 2 1/2 years that it'll get easier when they sleep through. And that doesn't just apply to sex, but also to our social lives, watching a TV program after 9:30 without snoozing on the sofa, having the energy to talk to each other of an evening, waking up full of the joys of spring, or at least with half the energy of the children, and basically functioning like we used to pre-kids.

Michael is coming up for 3 and we still haven't cracked it. We live in hope that when he drops his day sleep, he'll sleep better, but for now we are almost resigned to the nightly wake up calls. We have tried control crying, and threats and bribery, and I honestly think he tries, but he just can't do it. Earlier in the year he seemed to be waking with nightmares, and I took to lying down with him until he fell asleep. This was not a wise move, as he loves sleeping with his mummy and it soon became a regular occurrence. And for me, I was taking the easy option, avoiding the tears and tantrums and getting as much shut eye as possible even if it was squashed on one side of a single bed with a toddler who has a habit of sleeping sideways.

When the other half took some time off work between contracts, we decided to tackle the sleep issue head on. For two months, mummy didn't get up when Michael cried. Instead, daddy went in, and daddy was much firmer and stricter, and refused to be a softy like mum. The plan was that Michael would get no benefit from waking up (or waking us up) so he'd eventually stop doing it. Three months on and with daddy about to go back to work and therefore stop being on call over night for the kids, we are only marginally better off. I can now go in, tuck him back in and return to my own bed, but I still have to get up.

We have tried lights on, lights off, night lights, music at bed time, different pjs in case he's getting cold, or hot, a new doona and talk, lots of talk about how impressed mummy and daddy would be if he didn't wake us up. We even tried moving Holly into the same room, but that meant evenings were a disaster as well, so that didn't last long.

So a full night's sleep, with no interruptions would be heaven, although I suspect I'll have forgotten how if I ever get the chance. And yes, given the choice, sex or a full night's sleep, I'll go for the sleep. After all we can always have a quicky while the kids are glued to the television, so long as we lock the door, forget any ideas of foreplay and don't fall asleep before we get started!

Talking about sex with children (When the stair gate fails...)

We were caught in the act at the weekend. 'Oh God' the other half said, but there was no moment of pleasure involved. Our determined 4 and 1/2 year old had scaled the gate at the top of the stairs, designed to prevent such an occurrence, should the lure of the TV not be enough to keep her downstairs for 10 minutes.

Luckily for us, she wasn't particularly interested. I explained that mummy and daddy were just playing with each other and she said that she didn't know grown ups played. She was slightly more interested in mummy's toy, but overall the complete innocence of this age and the fact she came up for a reason, prevailed. What we were doing was not particularly important. What was important was that we came down and did what she wanted, right now.

It's easy as an adult to forget how completely innocent young children are. It is such a great thing and it'd be nice to keep it that way for as long as possible. I know of friends who have read books to their 4 year olds that explain the basics of mummy and daddy making love. Personally, I don't think we need to expose her to this unless she specifically asks and then a book that is factual in an age appropriate way would be very useful.

But for now, we need to use the lock on the door for a little while and avoid any further shocks to the system. It rather spoils the moment, and let's face it, we don't get too many of them at this stage.

Stair gates - don't get rid of them too soon!

We have found a whole new use for our stair gate. Put the television on downstairs, lock the gate at the top of the stairs, and take some time out for yourselves without risk of a little person coming in at the vital moment. Ok, so they can still stand at the top of the stairs and yell at you, but it gives you time to regain some composure or shout back a delaying tactic.

A friend was horrified when I told her we did 'it' when the kids were awake, but in reality, what else do we do? Mornings are out as the kids are in our bed before 6 and my sex drive is way below that required for any earlier. Evenings are out as one or other of us, or usually both, are too tired, so it has to be middle of the day. And we can't really get a babysitter, or ask the neighbours if they can mind the kids while we get a bit of private time. Or can we..? Anyway, it works for us.

It does mean that the whole process has to be speeded up a bit. Foreplay is out, and the use of a battery powered finger helps move us along more quickly. (You just have to watch where you store those things as the children love finding new toys...) The sexy lingerie remains in the back of the drawer and there's no lingering over undressing nowadays, but at the end of the day, it's some private time and if mummy and daddy are happy, the kids will be happy. For once we embrace our children's tv addiction without guilt.

Boobs

'Daddy's boobies are bigger than yours mummy', my daughter announced this morning, as we lay in bed watching daddy get dressed after his shower.

Yes, right, thank you very much. Ok, so she's kind of right. The other half works out up top, and would claim it's all pure muscle. I work out (sometimes) in the hope that a bit of muscle might add some extra definition to my non existent boobies.

'And Daddy's got a big willy', pipes up the younger one. Well dad's pleased with that, but it's all relative in a two year old's mind! Michael tried on his first pair of undies the other day (Wiggles undies, of course), he had a bit of a grope down there and his conclusion was, 'Too little'. Whether he was referring to the undies or their contents, who knows, but I guess it must feel strange after being squashed in a nappy for two and a half years.

But back to the boobies. I have never been well endowed, sadly, and having children has not helped. I hoped for boobs as a teenager, but finally gave up at about the age of 21 and started searching for the perfect push up, fully padded bra instead.

Thank goodness I don't have to go through those new boyfriend moments again, where we're lying have a grope in the dark and he's missed my boobs and is busy mauling my rib cage..

I always thought that getting pregnant would be my only hope for boobs, and I was right. On and off for four years or so, there was a marked improvement in size. I wouldn't go as far as to say I gained a cleavage, but I was quite happy with them (as was the other half) and I actually experienced the sensation of bouncing as you run, for the first time.

About day 3 post labour was the most amazing. The milk came in, and there I was with rock solid, rounded boobs never to be seen again. Ok, so they hurt like hell, leaked a lot and required cold compresses, but I really should have taken a photo. Hey Holly, mummy had boobies too once...

It's a shame that at that stage you don't get to dress up and go out of an evening, and even if you did, you'd need breast pads to stop the leaks and 'suck-you-in-knickers' to try and hold the baby gut in place.

Last time I went back to the UK, I stocked up on my Marks and Spencer's underwear (as you do if you're a Brit in Oz) and invested in a pair of jelly boobs to enhance the look.

They work quite well. Nothing drastic, they just help fill the bras I already have. But bring them back to an Australian summer and they have been reserved for those very special nights out when I want to look my best. (We haven't had one yet, as going out for a quick pizza with the other half doesn't count...) Hot, sweaty, slimy jelly boobs in a thick padded bra does nothing for comfort levels, and, since kids, I have definitely moved away from style towards comfort, so actually they're stuck in the drawer along with the sexy underwear that never gets a look in. (Quick, the kids are asleep, we're got five minutes...)

Get home of a summer's day and the bra comes off. I have perfected the technique of removing it through a sleeve so I don't even have to get undressed. One advantage of small boobs - no support required. They can breath for a moment. Let's hope no-one drops by....

Baby Thoughts...

My body is betraying me, and since it has a fairly close relationship with my mind, my mind is joining in to. I think it's something to do with not having enough to think about. Not that there aren't a hundred things to do in a day, but most of it, the washing, the cleaning, the playing, the cooking, even the negotiation and the desperate searching for patience, are all fairly routine stuff. The closest my brain gets to a challenge is doing the Sudoku puzzle in the paper while watching the kids in the bath. So, when it comes down to it, I have not much time to do anything, and a lot of time to think. And the thinking at the moment is about babies. (Don't tell Colin) We have decided we are only having two children as we are older parents (Having had my 41st, I am now definitely in my 40s...) and we don't cope with the lack of sleep as we might have done 10 years ago. There are also other factors such as the money required and the logistics of having three verses two, not to mention the strain it would put on our relationship to go through that baby stage again.

I have been fully on board with this since before we had Michael, but since weaning him off the boob, every month, like clockwork, my body reminds me that it is ovulating, and perhaps I should be doing something about it. It never happened like this before children. My periods were regular, but I used ovulation tests to check when I was ovulating, as I could never be a quite sure. Since babies though, I swear that at that same time mid month each month, my body aches for a day or two at just the time I think I'd be ovulating. For the most part I've just thought, how interesting, my body is telling me what's going on, but recently, it's got worse. Now I feel horny at the same time! So not only is my body telling me time is running out, here's the eggs, give it a go, but it's also saying, go on, here's your man, seduce him!

Colin's not going to complain about that, as I have to admit initiation on my part has not been a frequent event in the last four years, but if he knew the background he'd probably run a mile. Lucky for us, he's in charge of contraception.

I try and logic my feelings. We recently gave away all of our baby things and Michael is two and a half, so we've finished the baby stage for ever. I look in baby shops and there are such great things, which I have no excuse to buy any more. Also, I like my kids at the moment. They play well together, Holly can be caring and sweet to Michael and they have lots of fun. He's also at the great stage of language development which can be really cute and funny. So, I guess I'm just looking at them and thinking, they're not that bad, I could have another one of these.

The other thought is that I'm looking for a sense of purpose. I was talking to a friend about money the other day and how it would be easier if we had sacrificed a bit on location and gone for a smaller mortgage, and she pointed out to me that in a few years time I'll be earning again and it'll be easier. And I thought, oh yes, that's probably right, but what will I be doing?? I have no career plan, apart from looking after the kids, so maybe I'm thinking about babies because it prolongs that sense of purpose. Nine months with a specific goal in mind - to have a healthy baby, and then 3 years before they start pre-school where the focus is 100 percent on caring for my children.

But let's think about those nine months. I had relatively easy pregnancies, but even so, the thought of being pregnant again doesn't really appeal. Nine months of aches and worries, heartburn, breathlessness, clothes not fitting and trousers continually falling down, not to mention lack of sleep, the need to pee at least three times a night and the fact my bladder is almost certain never to recover. Actually the only positive I can think of is the boobs. Be nice to have them back for a little while...

So, pregnancy doesn't appeal, the birth certainly isn't a fun part, and the first 14 to 18 months are knackering, which doesn't do anything for my patience, sense of humour or sex drive.

I've done my bit with breast feeding and have no unfulfilled desires there, I have pureed enough food to last a lifetime and we're looking forward to a nappy free house in the foreseeable future. (How much does two and a half years of nappies cost....?)

And then there's the logistics of the whole thing. Who holds the extra hand, who carries the extra child when everyone wants a carry, who reads the third set of stories before bed, where does the third child sit when two knees are already taken?

Don't get me wrong, if I were 10 years younger, my response to this would probably be to start a round of gentle hints and persuasion with Colin. I admire the mums with three, especially those who maintain a sense of calm, but I set 40 as my own personal no go zone for babies, and I think I should stick with it. After all, instead of potentially straining a beautiful relationship and a happy family, my new found sex drive could make things a lot more fun, at least once a month anyway. Perhaps I should take up crosswords as well as Sudoku...