PMT or Post Natal Depression

When we got home on Thursday, Holly sat down to take her shoes and socks off. I asked her to keep her socks on, as on cold days, our wooden floor boards are freezing and their feet become little ice packs pretty quickly. Holly ignored me and removed her socks and then removed her brother's as well. Normally, I would be fairly calm about this, I would tell her I asked her to keep her socks on and explain why. I wouldn't force them back on, but I'd tell her to come back if her feet get cold and put them on. She's not one to be in discomfort in any way without complaining! And I would put Mikey's socks back on, as he can't necessarily judge or tell me the condition of his feet.

This Thursday however, was PMT Thursday and I got mad. I yelled. Nothing particularly offensive or constructive, just HOLLY. WHEN I ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING, YOU SHOULD DO IT. But inside I was seething. This child was completely ignoring me and I could not find the words I needed to express myself. Words that she would listen to. I don't ask her to do something just for the hell of it. There is generally a logical reason and when mummy says to do (or not do) something, mummy should be obeyed. I felt so mad at her, I wanted to squeeze her till she hurt. Instead she went upstairs sockless and Mikey was so shocked at the tone (or volume) of my voice that he came and sat down and his socks went straight back on.

The point is, for maybe 26 days or so of the month, I can be patient, calm, think things through, try to explain and give some leeway, but when the hormones are raging, I feel grumpy and touchy and get annoyed more easily and cannot cope as well with the minor disasters kids throw at you everyday.

It made me think, this is what it was like every day for a year when Michael was about 3 months and Holly was in her terrible 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 phase. So were my hormones all over the place? Was I on permanent PMT or was it Post Natal Depression, or was I just tired all the time? I get tired now and I don't generally want to squeeze my children till they hurt, but in that year, there were regular evenings when I can safely say they pissed me off something chronic. 'Will you just SHUT UP' became the way I'd react. Not meeting my own standards for parenting, but needing in some way to outwardly express my inward anger.

I sought help on a number of occasions, but I'm not very good at asking for it directly, so I wanted people - the midwife, the doctor, my friends, to notice and let me know it was ok. In hindsight, how I can expect these busy people, to notice my frame of mind, I don't know. A fault I've always been guilty of I think. Like the time I went home for a week before I got married, hoping someone would ask me if I was doing the right thing, so I could say 'no', but not having the guts to bring it up myself, as it would be admitting a failure in some way. (I ended up getting married and divorced within a year, but that's another story....)

Anyway, I am not good at admitting I need help, or even knowing that perhaps I should get it. Eventually at Mikey's one year check up, the midwife suggested a visit to Tresillian would be beneficial to get Mikey's sleeping pattern sorted and maybe address some terrible two behaviour. Unfortunately I'd left it a bit late. One place I called didn't take babies over one, another wouldn't take siblings, and leaving Holly at home for a week would have exacerbated the problem, not helped with it. So we didn't get any outside help.

But, when I stopped breastfeeding Michael at about 14 months (he was a real booby baby..) and he finally started sleeping through on a reasonably regular basis, things gradually improved. I got my energy back and a bit more sleep and began enjoying my kids more.

I still think, was that PND, or just tiredness? I have a friend who definitely had post natal depression. She couldn't get out of bed in the morning and felt physically ill with it. Compared with that, this was nothing, but maybe there are different degrees of depression. If there was a next time (which there's not going to be!) then hopefully I would do things differently and get more help.

As it is, on PMT days, a couple of hours alone is a good option. Not always possible, but at least I know why I feel like I feel and that it won't last long...