Friendships

I have been reading a book called 'How to be a Happy Mum', and found the section on friendships quite interesting. It made me reflect on being a mum and the friendships you find and lose over time.

A lot of mums feel very isolated when they first have their babies. They have moved from the working world where they had day to day interaction with their colleagues, and often socialised of an evening or weekend, to a world where the baby is the number one communicator, and socialising takes second place to sleep where ever possible.

If you are very lucky, your friends are having babies at the same time as you, but for the majority of us, timing doesn't quite work like that.

Suddenly being home with the baby can be very lonely, and you have to make an effort to have adult interaction. I know for me, getting out of the house and at least being amongst other people is an important part of the day, even if it is just going to the park or shops, where I have a brief chat with the teller or the mum whose child is on the swing next to mine. Mothers' Group was great. It forced me to meet other mums with children the same age, got me out of the house and socialising, and was a great source of advice and reassurance especially in those early years. But having said that, five years on it has drifted apart and we have moved away from the area so catching up is hard and the kids no longer really know each other.

It's just another example of the transient nature of friendships once the children have come along. I have made friends since Holly was a baby, through Mothers Group, a pregnancy yoga class I attended, and with mums of the kids I looked after in Family Day Care. But, as the children attended different classes and then different pre-schools, friendships have dwindled and we've moved on.

When my first was little, we saw one friend with a child the same age almost every week. As the girls started pre-school and we both moved areas, catching up became more difficult and less frequent, but we still spoke regularly. The two girls went to each others' 4 year old birthday parties last year, but I have to say Holly had to be persuaded to invite this friend, and I suspect it was the same the other way round. Our children have other friends and neighbours they see every day or every week, and the old friendship turned out to be an adult friendship and not a child one. My friend and I ended up having a chat about birthdays, and accepted that we wouldn't be offended if our children didn't want the other one at their next party. After all, they were not likely to see each other very much and would have a whole host of pre-school friends to invite. But, the important thing was, that we agreed that as adults we could still have a friendship even if the children didn't.

But, a year on, 5 year old birthdays have been and gone, and it hasn't happened. We last caught up properly about 8 months ago, and Holly played with her brother, and my friend's two played with each other. I have phoned a few times since, and she squeezed in a quick catch up at the shops in between the sales, but since then, I've not heard back. I feel like I've been dropped. There's a part of me that mourns the loss of a friendship. And because it's my nature to, I worry that I've done something wrong.

But if I think about it, that's the way it goes when you have children. It's hard to maintain a friendship that came about through the children, when they no longer see each other regularly, and let's face it, don't particularly warm to each other when we do catch up. For us mums, catching up for a drink, or a movie in the evening seems like a good idea, but in reality, we don't even do this much with our own hubbies, so making time for a girly night out, when we live 30 minutes drive apart is a tricky one.

So which friendships do survive? For me, it's the friendships I had pre-kids, that have survived. We all have children now, of different ages, but it's not about them so much as about us. For others, it's those who they spend time with away from the kids; a mum's weekend away without the interruption of children, or an evening with the girls that's let them develop a relationship beyond the children.

Pre-school has been a good source of adult contact. Last year it was mainly hellos and how are yous. This year we have a chat and the kids play together, we've been to the social events and even the guys are getting to know each other.

Even so, as we face the move from pre-school to school next year, this year's friendships will move on. Our children are going to different schools, so we'll naturally socialise with a different group of parents, and let's face it, with the busy life of a 5 year old to plan around, there won't be much time for grown up socialising. But the 3 year old will be at pre-school and I'll be an old hand, happy to have a chat with new mums as they too look for a bit of adult contact and maybe even a friendship.

Do I need more adult company??

My other half thinks so. He bases this observation on the fact that I had a 20 minute conversation with two Jehovahs witnesses who came to the door on Thursday, and I actually seemed to enjoy it. They came at a good time. We'd just got in from a walk, the baby was asleep and Holly was playing happily, so when someone asked me what I felt about the way mankind was treating the world, and what we should be doing about it, I actually thought about it.

I expressed my views, I asked them theirs and we discussed the issue. They presented their evidence, backed up with a number of quotes from the bible, and I played devil's advocate and asked some tricky, slightly risky questions.

Ok, so I could have phoned a friend, but just because my kids are having a good moment, doesn't mean my friend's are. When was the last time you had a twenty minute, uninterrupted two way adult conversation?? Also Holly has an inbuilt mummy's on the phone monitoring system which switches her into horror mode as soon as she realises I'm talking to someone else, and not her. So, I had my twenty minute adult conversation with the Jehovah's witnesses.

And you know what? I'd love to be as calm and self assured and confident in my beliefs as these two ladies were. But it just isn't going to happen. My logical mind can't quite get it's head around one faith/religion/ denomination being right, and all others having just missed the point somewhere along the way.

I believe in God. I say a little prayer for my two babies before I go to sleep (and I have recently added the other half in 'cause he felt left out). I don't often think much beyond that, mainly because it opens up too many unanswerable questions.

My partner and I have discussed how we would explain death to Holly and Mikey, not because we have had to deal with a berievement, but because we want to be prepared. My Thursday discussion actually gave me an answer I quite like. The Jehovah's witnesses believe that when you die, you return to the earth, to dust. But God retains a memory of you. It's one to think about...

Religion has also come up alongside the school debate. Where should we send Holly to school? Should we look at the Catholic school system, although we are not Catholic? Should we consider a Christian school, or should we go with the state schools? It's a tricky one. I liked the caring environment of our local Catholic school and I would like the children to have the basic ethical and moral education that seems to come in a religious school. We don't take them to church, but perhaps they should be given the education that allows them to make their own informed decision about their religious beliefs as they get older.

Yet at the back of my mind I just feel hypocritical. You see, if I had the conviction of those Jehovah's witnesses, life would be easy!

Back to Thursday. Holly came down and started trying to shut the door on us, then the cat started nosing round the shopping bags left in the pushchair. When they offered to help bring my shopping in, I declined politely and we terminated the conversation. It's one thing having an interesting debate with a couple of commited strangers, it's another letting them into your house. And my guess is they'll be back.