Sleep or sex - Can we have both??

I was just reading an article that said that 56 % of Aussies interviewed would rather have a good night's sleep than sex. And I have to say, right now, I'm with them. It didn't say how many men or women were surveyed, how old they were, whether they had kids, were in a relationship or gagging for it (sorry!), so my suspicions are that the figures might be over stated. But, I have to say, that if you surveyed a group of mums and dads with two or more pre-schoolers, the sleep might win out.

We have been saying for the last 2 1/2 years that it'll get easier when they sleep through. And that doesn't just apply to sex, but also to our social lives, watching a TV program after 9:30 without snoozing on the sofa, having the energy to talk to each other of an evening, waking up full of the joys of spring, or at least with half the energy of the children, and basically functioning like we used to pre-kids.

Michael is coming up for 3 and we still haven't cracked it. We live in hope that when he drops his day sleep, he'll sleep better, but for now we are almost resigned to the nightly wake up calls. We have tried control crying, and threats and bribery, and I honestly think he tries, but he just can't do it. Earlier in the year he seemed to be waking with nightmares, and I took to lying down with him until he fell asleep. This was not a wise move, as he loves sleeping with his mummy and it soon became a regular occurrence. And for me, I was taking the easy option, avoiding the tears and tantrums and getting as much shut eye as possible even if it was squashed on one side of a single bed with a toddler who has a habit of sleeping sideways.

When the other half took some time off work between contracts, we decided to tackle the sleep issue head on. For two months, mummy didn't get up when Michael cried. Instead, daddy went in, and daddy was much firmer and stricter, and refused to be a softy like mum. The plan was that Michael would get no benefit from waking up (or waking us up) so he'd eventually stop doing it. Three months on and with daddy about to go back to work and therefore stop being on call over night for the kids, we are only marginally better off. I can now go in, tuck him back in and return to my own bed, but I still have to get up.

We have tried lights on, lights off, night lights, music at bed time, different pjs in case he's getting cold, or hot, a new doona and talk, lots of talk about how impressed mummy and daddy would be if he didn't wake us up. We even tried moving Holly into the same room, but that meant evenings were a disaster as well, so that didn't last long.

So a full night's sleep, with no interruptions would be heaven, although I suspect I'll have forgotten how if I ever get the chance. And yes, given the choice, sex or a full night's sleep, I'll go for the sleep. After all we can always have a quicky while the kids are glued to the television, so long as we lock the door, forget any ideas of foreplay and don't fall asleep before we get started!

Keeping the mind active

Do you ever feel you might be losing your edge slightly? Have you experienced baby brain since having children? I have, and my concern now is whether it's recoverable, or a permanent situation. If I had to go back to the work force tomorrow and get that brain going again, would it happen?

Concentration spans have reduced. Since children, I have not been able to focus on one thing for more than a few minutes.

I forget things much more easily than I used to. Remembering names was never my strong point, but now I generally accept up front that it will happen and apologise in advance for forgetting the name of the person I've just been introduced to. I attended a play group for most of last year, and of the twenty or so mums I met (regularly, note), I can probably only put about 4 names to faces.

We women have always been able to multitask, but now, if I was faced with just one task, how would I cope? Would I be able to focus for more than 30 seconds? The mind is always jumping to the next thing on the to do list. Find the lunch boxes, wash up, make the dinner, get the washing in, find pens and paper for number one, play a game with number 2, feed the cat, sort the rubbish, read my email, look at number one's picture and take a moment to praise, talk to my mum on the phone, separate the children (now fighting), rescue the cat (being tortured by the children), talk to my mum again, run a bath, run number 2 to the toilet, check the dinner. And all that in the half hour since we got home.

But given a mental challenge, how would I cope? I fear there has been some brain deterioration since becoming a mum and I have some theories on this.

There are things I do know, of course. I can locate that specific toy that the kids want, right now, and I can always find the cork screw for the other half, but I have been known to forget to lock the car, and leave the key in the ignition.

As we sat digesting our dinner yesterday and watching the kids career up and down the house on bikes and scooters, we started discussing potential outcomes from the upcoming budget. The specific issue was whether the government will raise the retirement age. Recent research, according to the news bulletin, has shown that, as we get older, the brain can deteriorate, which has of course been known for a while. But, what we didn't know previously, was it is not actual brain cells that we are losing, but links between these brain cells. The way to maintain these links, is to use them. 'Use it, or lose it', was the quote of the day.

The other half has the theory that the government will at some point relatively soon, increase the retirement age, and last night's news will be used to back up this decision. People need to continue to work, or their brains will deteriorate. If you stop work, put your feet up, watch a lot of telly, play golf or take up bowls, and generally take life easy, your brain is likely to slow down.

One thought was that this is going to be pretty harsh for the next generation. Not only will they not be able to retire until they are 70 or 75, but they are also the generation that will potentially die at an earlier age than their parents due to rising obesity, poor diet and too little exercise. But at least they'll still have their brains.

Anyway, I digress. The other thought was, oh no, it's happened already. I have stopped using those connections in my brain and my brain function has started to deteriorate. I used to be smart. I am now losing it.

The question remains as to whether those connections can be rebuilt with practice. My feeling is yes they can (one has to remain positive...). If we practice things, we generally improve, and that includes mental activity. For example, I went to an interview a few years ago where I had to complete an intelligence test. My feel was that I would have passed with flying colours had I taken the tests straight from school or university, as there you are trained to use your brain in this way. However, having worked for a number of years and moved into management, a lot of my skills were soft skills or people skills, not analytical brain skills.

I chose to do some practice tests to exercise my mind in the right direction and I am confident they helped get me thinking on the right lines. Did I get the job? I can't remember... but that's not the point.

Or maybe it is. The memory and brain function. Two components that have declined since motherhood. My theory on memory loss is two fold. Priorities change, and when the children are babies we become child focused. Nothing else matters. They are the centre of our universe, and they take up so much time and energy, there is little left to spare. It is no longer important to remember the name of the Treasurer or the Prime Minister of Britain. It is only important to remember to feed and clothe and love and cherish.

The other aspect is torture. Sleep Deprivation torture. Law and Order last night had a case involving sleep deprivation and the impact it can have on you. I truly believe sleep deprivation has affected my memory in the last 5 years. Did mum tell me they were going to be away this weekend? Did I give Holly that dollar to buy me a Mother's Day present at pre-school? Did I take my pill this morning? (lucky they have days marked) Did I put sugar in my tea?

According to a website I've just looked at, cumulative sleep derivation (which means getting less than 7.5 hours a night on a regular basis) can lead to problems including:

- Decreased alertness and manual dexterity
- Impaired memory and cognitive function
- Irritability

and more.

(Cognitive function. I knew there was a technical term for using your brain. I just couldn't remember it..)

So as a sleep deprived mum, I should be careful as I go and pick up the kids, as I am likely to forget where I'm going, be highly irritable and prone to road rage, have poor reactions and not be able to form a convincing argument as to why we can't buy that toy Holly has spotted on the way out to the car. I might just do the Sudoku puzzle in the paper, and have a power nap before I leave...

Sleep Deprivation

I'm tired. Everyday I wake up tired. No, let's get it right, I get woken up, tired. All those wise parents tell you about sleep deprivation when you're pregnant, but you never quite get it, until it happens.

And it's not just the babies. Last night my 4 1/2 year old woke up and ended up in our bed. The other half was in Melbourne with work, so I took the easy option and gave her his spot. I'm lucky with Holly - this doesn't happen very often.

Mikey, on the other hand wakes up almost every night, crying. If we ignore it, it escalates. If I go in before he's really woken himself up, I can settle him in a few seconds. But I've still had to wake up, and get out of bed, so the night is disturbed. I've tried doing it half asleep, ended up walking into the stair banister and had a bruise on my hip for weeks.

And on the rare occasions both kids sleep through, I inevitably have to get up for a pee, or the other half can't sleep and as I'm now programmed to wake up for every little noise, he keeps me awake anyway.

So, I should be used to interrupted sleep. What with the pregnancies, it's about 5 years since I went through the night. But it doesn't seem to work like that. At some point I've got to make up for lack of sleep. Maybe when they leave home. But, as my mum says, by then I'll have forgotten how to sleep anyway.

So for all those child free people out there, make the most of it! Treasure your sleep, and don't talk to me about lie ins. I'll just get cranky.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For more information on babies and sleep have a look at my website - At Home Mums