The 'F' Word

A friend of mine turns 40 today so I've been scouring the shops for the perfect birthday card. (Actually, I had 5 minutes to spare before drop off time this morning and luckily found one that appealed before the children had a chance to run a muck in the card shop). I don't like buying birthday cards. They never have quite the right sentiment, and I worry that the ones that appeal to my sense of humour might offend. Today's time limit made the process easier. I found one that appealed to me, and I'll have to hope it doesn't offend. I'll also probably have to explain to my friend why it appealed, but that's ok.

On the front of the card it says 'Oh No! It's the 'F' word, that terrible 'F' word. Stop me, please before I say it, before I lose control and say it again and again and again!'

And inside it says 'Forty! You're Forty! Yes, Forty! Ha Ha Forty! Forty! Forty! Forty! Happy Birthday!'

I think I'm ok, because regardless of how old she is, I'll always be a year older. I've been there, done that, had the 40th and survived. If I was 30, it might be considered a bit rude, but there I go again, analysing the card.

Anyway, the actual reason it appealed was not because it takes the mickey out of turning forty, but because of the words on the front of the card.

Driving home from pre-school yesterday, Holly suddenly realised she had left a painting behind.

'Oh F**k', she said, and being slightly deaf and sure my angel would not use such language, I asked her 'What did you say??' 'Oh F**k', she repeated.

'Bugger', I thought and proceeded to explain very firmly that this was a very naughty word and she should not use it, ever, ever, ever.

Imagine the humiliation if it came out at pre-school. I mean, they'd know it was me. The other half doesn't use such terms. I don't remember saying it, but realistically, I probably did.

I used to work in IT on a trading floor at one of the big American Banks, and the language there was very colourful, to say the least. The environment was also a high stress one, and expletives became par for the course. But, since having children, my language has improved immensely. (Quite amazing really, considering the stress involved in this job.) I do however, occasionally drop the odd 'naughty word' when something unexpected happens. Like for instance when I opened the oven door last night and smoke poured out. 'Bugger', I said, looking at the scorched remains of dinner. But I definitely did not say 'F**k'.

Being in Australia, 'bugger' seems to be part of daily language. After all it's out there in car ads and on the radio, and it's such a nice, expressive, round word that just lets out how you feel without causing serious offense. Even so, out of the mouth of a 4 year old it is less appealing, if slightly amusing in a 'hide your smile' kind of a way.

So basically what I'm saying, is that in our house any bad language of any sort is discouraged, but mummy is guilty of letting one slip every now and then.

Back to yesterday. Having explained that we don't use such words, I admitted that Holly might have heard mummy say it, but it was very naughty of mummy as well. We agreed that if she said it again, I would take a gold coin from her money box, and if she ever heard mummy say it, I would put a gold coin in her money box. I'm assuming here that she is innocent enough not to try and provoke me...

I also suggested she try and think of other things to say when something goes wrong, like 'Oh fiddlesticks', or 'Oh bother'.

'How about Oh F**kity Bum?' she suggested innocently. This was going to be harder than I thought. She has the word in her head, it's there just ready to pop out at the appropriate (inappropriate) moment. For some reason it appeals to her as an expression of how she feels and I fear her money box will soon be empty. We have to get another word into her head, a suitably juicy, expressive word that is guaranteed not to offend (or at least not to cause mummy too much trouble).

We are currently trying a few options on for size. 'Oh, drink bottle' was one suggestion. Or 'Oh, mango'. But the one at the top of the list so far is 'Oh, bottoms'. Do you think I can get away with it? Not openly offensive, but appealing to a pre-schooler's toilet sense of humour...?