Friendships

I have been reading a book called 'How to be a Happy Mum', and found the section on friendships quite interesting. It made me reflect on being a mum and the friendships you find and lose over time.

A lot of mums feel very isolated when they first have their babies. They have moved from the working world where they had day to day interaction with their colleagues, and often socialised of an evening or weekend, to a world where the baby is the number one communicator, and socialising takes second place to sleep where ever possible.

If you are very lucky, your friends are having babies at the same time as you, but for the majority of us, timing doesn't quite work like that.

Suddenly being home with the baby can be very lonely, and you have to make an effort to have adult interaction. I know for me, getting out of the house and at least being amongst other people is an important part of the day, even if it is just going to the park or shops, where I have a brief chat with the teller or the mum whose child is on the swing next to mine. Mothers' Group was great. It forced me to meet other mums with children the same age, got me out of the house and socialising, and was a great source of advice and reassurance especially in those early years. But having said that, five years on it has drifted apart and we have moved away from the area so catching up is hard and the kids no longer really know each other.

It's just another example of the transient nature of friendships once the children have come along. I have made friends since Holly was a baby, through Mothers Group, a pregnancy yoga class I attended, and with mums of the kids I looked after in Family Day Care. But, as the children attended different classes and then different pre-schools, friendships have dwindled and we've moved on.

When my first was little, we saw one friend with a child the same age almost every week. As the girls started pre-school and we both moved areas, catching up became more difficult and less frequent, but we still spoke regularly. The two girls went to each others' 4 year old birthday parties last year, but I have to say Holly had to be persuaded to invite this friend, and I suspect it was the same the other way round. Our children have other friends and neighbours they see every day or every week, and the old friendship turned out to be an adult friendship and not a child one. My friend and I ended up having a chat about birthdays, and accepted that we wouldn't be offended if our children didn't want the other one at their next party. After all, they were not likely to see each other very much and would have a whole host of pre-school friends to invite. But, the important thing was, that we agreed that as adults we could still have a friendship even if the children didn't.

But, a year on, 5 year old birthdays have been and gone, and it hasn't happened. We last caught up properly about 8 months ago, and Holly played with her brother, and my friend's two played with each other. I have phoned a few times since, and she squeezed in a quick catch up at the shops in between the sales, but since then, I've not heard back. I feel like I've been dropped. There's a part of me that mourns the loss of a friendship. And because it's my nature to, I worry that I've done something wrong.

But if I think about it, that's the way it goes when you have children. It's hard to maintain a friendship that came about through the children, when they no longer see each other regularly, and let's face it, don't particularly warm to each other when we do catch up. For us mums, catching up for a drink, or a movie in the evening seems like a good idea, but in reality, we don't even do this much with our own hubbies, so making time for a girly night out, when we live 30 minutes drive apart is a tricky one.

So which friendships do survive? For me, it's the friendships I had pre-kids, that have survived. We all have children now, of different ages, but it's not about them so much as about us. For others, it's those who they spend time with away from the kids; a mum's weekend away without the interruption of children, or an evening with the girls that's let them develop a relationship beyond the children.

Pre-school has been a good source of adult contact. Last year it was mainly hellos and how are yous. This year we have a chat and the kids play together, we've been to the social events and even the guys are getting to know each other.

Even so, as we face the move from pre-school to school next year, this year's friendships will move on. Our children are going to different schools, so we'll naturally socialise with a different group of parents, and let's face it, with the busy life of a 5 year old to plan around, there won't be much time for grown up socialising. But the 3 year old will be at pre-school and I'll be an old hand, happy to have a chat with new mums as they too look for a bit of adult contact and maybe even a friendship.

When should my child start school?

This is a question that most parents face in the years before school, and there are numerous opinions and articles out there to help and confuse you.

So what are the facts? Children start school once a year at the beginning of the new school year. In NSW the cut off date for starting school is July 31st, so if your child is going to be five before July 31st, then they are eligible for school in the previous January. If your child is born between August and the end of January, you have no choice; they will start school at the end of January after they are 5. You are the lucky ones.

The other law in this country is that all children must start school before they are 6 years old. This law is enforced, but the eligibility is not, so there is the option to hold back children born in February to July until the year after they turn 5.

What does this mean? It means that in one intake, there could be children as young as 4 1/2 and some who are nearly 6. This makes it hard for both the teachers and the children.

Confusing? I think so, especially as private schools and Catholic schools are able to set their own rules. The Catholic schools in our area have a cut off date of May rather than July, which has the advantage of reducing the age range in a class.

As someone who grew up with the English system, I always assumed Holly, who has a July birthday, would go to school at 4 1/2, which is the usual starting age in the UK. However, having looked at the schools locally, and attended all the open days, I realised that no one in our area sends their children as young as 4 1/2. If I were to send Holly to school now, I would be putting her at a major disadvantage socially, especially amongst the girls. There is an element of innocence lost between the ages of 4 1/2 and 6 and my baby does not need to learn that the hard way.

So what are the arguments for sending a child to school early, or holding them back?

I always thought that starting early would be beneficial, as it is known that between the ages of 3 and 6, a child is most open to learning and learns at the fastest rate. I was concerned that my daughter would outgrow the learning opportunities at pre-school and become bored and ultimately not take advantage of this 3 year window! In reality, learning is not just about reading and writing; at this age, they are continually absorbing information and learning though experience. Not necessarily learning facts, but learning how to cope with situations, learning how to relate to people, how to work and play with others, how to negotiate and express themselves.

Numerous people have told me to think about the other end of school. If she goes early, she'll be 15 when all her friends are 16, she'll be 17 when they're 18. She'll be looking to do things earlier, like drive, and drink alcohol. The counter argument is that you end up with school children in their last year who are all able to drive, and to drink, and therefore get distracted from the academic task at hand.

If the government enforced the cut off date for starting school, there would be a maximum age gap of 6 months and questions of friends being so much older would not be relevant.

Personally I think it's more about the here and now and whether she's ready. Who can predict what will happen in 12 or 13 years' time?

So why do people hold their kids back? I think the main reason is to try and give them an advantage, or at the least, not leave them at a disadvantage with their peers. If Holly were at school today, she would find it hard work to concentrate for the time required. Holding a pen and writing without getting frustrated would be difficult, and having 5 days away from home would be a shock to the system. In a year's time, hopefully Holly's fine motor skills will have improved and she will be physically more ready. Also, I hope she will be more confident with other kids and adults and will need less support socially from me.

So I think I would be putting her at a disadvantage if we sent her to school now. But do I think she will be at an advantage academically if we send her next year? I'm not sure, but I do know I was influenced by hearing that the schools test the children's skills when they start, and also hearing from my neighbour that kids as young as kindergarten are rewarded for academic success. How can a 4 1/2 year old possibly compete with a nearly 6 year old in reading and writing?

The latest study from the US said that the middle class trend of sending children to school later does not have an impact on academic outcomes later in life. i.e. there is no advantage or disadvantage academically if you start school earlier or later.

In the UK, the first year of school involves quite a lot of play and is a gentle transition from pre-school . Here in NSW, school is definitely learning not play. I'm not saying it can't be fun, but perhaps the UK system works for a younger starting age, and a slightly older child would be more ready for the Australian system.

If you attend a school readiness presentation, you will find they look at social skills, practical skills and academic skills, and in reality the first two are the most important.

Your child does not need to be able to read and write before they go to school; they will be taught those skills at school. They ought to be able to count to ten, or eleven, or more, and really understand what those number mean. e.g. can you pick out four grapes for me or count how many chairs there are round the table. They need to be able to at least recognise their name, if not write it and ideally recite the alphabet.

By practical skills, I mean things like going to the toilet unaided and wiping their bottom without help from mum; being able to change their clothes and put their shoes and socks on; being able to open a lunch box without help, and manage belongings without losing them. It's important to understand the differences here between pre-school and school. At school, your child will be expected to be much more independent and ratio of staff to children means they cannot provide the assistance they get at pre-school.

Social skills are probably the most important area to look at. Is your child ready emotionally to go to school? Do they separate from mum ok? Can they communicate with adults, and do they socialise well with other children? Have they (largely!) outgrown the tantrums? Can they sit still and listen and concentrate for an extended period of time?

Ultimately this has been the main driver for our decision. We have been presented with all the arguments for starting at both 4 1/2 and 5 1/2, but in the end, given what everyone else is doing, Holly's social readiness is the key thing.

Given what everyone else is doing.... if the majority of people sent their children in the year they were eligible, Holly would be at school now. So is it all about peer pressure? I'd like to hope not.

I have talked with numerous people about this topic, and there are a lot out there who have worried about their decision or who are still debating what to do. However, of those with kids at school, there are very few who regret the decision they made, whether their children went early or late. I think this confirms the fact that we all know are own children, and ultimately when it comes to decision time, we will know what's right for them.